And beginning to journal again. Go figure!

13 credits this semester, and my hands in too many things to count (Did I really have this many hands? Wow). In some ways, I am stressed, in others, I could be doing so much more... Time to find balance. Good thing journals help out with that sort of stuff, right?

Here's for hoping.

In other news, those last few tracks off of Ruckus are losing their DRM time. Days go by, Ruckus, and still I think of you, days where I could not live my life without you... And then I found Amazon.com, which is still friendly to my non-iPod mp3 player. Indie, and damn proud.

Also, trying this whole idea of not actually putting much in my journals, in attempts to get me to use it again... So, I'm sure you'll get bits and pieces of the last year. If you particularly want to hear about something, let me know! I take requests :-)

10 class tomorrow, and I still have laundry to put into drawers and shower tomorrow. I'd best get to bed. Night!

Today made me realize that I have a lot to work on internally. To some extent, I wish that the action of this introspection mattered to others, but I realize that it wouldn't really do anything in the first place, and thus the point of hoping is irrelevant.

Doesn't change the feelings, only the logic.

If I seem particularly moody over the next few days, please just pretend I'm having a period or something, minus trying to give me chocolate and/or ice cream. I appreciate the sentiments, but I'm not quite sure a simple coverup will work like that at this time.

Excerpt from convorsation with family today, before making use of Christmas gift cards sent to us by a relative. We are in a car, and dad has recently grabbed some cash to take care of gas money. The convorsation's been on getting food, as well as cake and presents for my sister's birthday.

Dad: "Now that we've taken care of that..."
Mom: "What? Now that we have a map? 'Cause if so, I'd better bring the Bible. It's the map... to our lives!"
Dad: "That isn't what I said."

The more I watch my mother, the more I fear she's crazy, and not of her own control.

How many more figures will be nothing more than mirages?

Hate it when it happens, would like to deny feeling sick at all if I can, but I really can't when it's being as annoying as it is. Sore throat, sore body, lazy eyes, and all that junk clearly telling me that I should never pull a 12-9 AM shift at the front desk ever again. I wanted to shave, get my room cleaned up, and get myself prepared for next week, and I'm honestly not sure how well that's going to happen. Get into my room, post up my entry that I wrote at the desk, and maybe play a little Halo before I get to bed. I need to sleep, but honestly, I'm wound up right now, and I'm not sure if that's going to be easy to do after all of this... Sick is sick, though. Ah, dilemmas.

Boys are neat. But they're all straight. Lame fricking sauce. Actually, I swear that at one point, person XY-547 claimed himself as bi, back when I was playing around with Facebook at the beginning of the year. I'm going to try not to question what is written there, since I know my personal bias is setting in, but I'm really tempted to wonder. It's most likely another case of a hopeless crush, and as usual, they seem to happen at the worst of times. I can hope XY-547 proves me wrong, but even so, would he honestly like me? I don't know, and I don't really think I'd have the guts to ask even if given the opportunity. It's not my place to ask things like that, and of all people, I don't want to offend XY-547, risking a great friendship unless this becomes unbearable. And, if you know how I work, it takes me a while to get to that point - I'd much rather let myself break down internally than externally. I doubt I ever will ask, especially if things continue as they are.

But, despite all of the emotional dilemma, things have been pretty good. Friday, I only had one calss, and even then, my only task was to listen to speeches. Nothing significant by any stretch of the imagination. I met up with Deb over at housing for GLACURH, and (with mucho mucho help from Juan) saved her confidence in what I have going on for the registration process. All in all, pretty cool. After that, I took a nap, and prepared for a really really nasty shift.

12 to 9. What on earth was I thinking? Actually, it makes a lot of sense looking at it from where I was at that time. Someone wanted a graveyard shift filled, and I had the weekend off from marching - perfect timing! I set myself up with that right away. Soon after, someone else says that they're out for the weekend and want me to pick up the shift after graveyard. Not a big deal, it's only three more hours. Score. It was a tough task keeping up and ready to help people that whole time, but I had a lot of people around to help me out. We pulled out some Halo early on during the shift, and that kept us busy well into it (I think we ended around 5, 6, maybe?). The person with the X-Box had to go, so we found a DVD player and proceeded to watch Monty Python and the Meaning of Life. That took a while, and when we were done and everyone left, I kept myself occupied with some old school Final Fantasy VII until the shift was done... And boy, was I ready to go to bed by the end of that. Thanks again to all of the people who were there, if not for just a couple of minutes to say hi. I appreciated the help, and I seriously don't think I would have been able to do the shift without you all.

Three more hours of sleep, and I get woken up to go to the mall with some guys from the dorm hall. We checked out some stuff, played some DDR, listened to music, and basically wasted the time away until we got back to the University. After that, we went to the Olive Garden to make use of the bottomless pasta bowl, and went back. There was a lot of awesome stuff that happened during this, but I really don't want to write it all out, because I'm lazy. And tired, so, nyah.

Then, my shift that just happened. Chess was played, it was good. I lost a game, which hasn't happened in a good long time... It was humbling, but more importantly, it makes me want to play some more.

And here I am now... Wonder if they're done with the movie downstairs - I want some halo. And bed.

When you set out time for yourself to do work, though you don't have to do it, since noone's giving it to you. You end up just waiting there. And when you're waiting, you can do basically anything that you want or need to.

I'm sitting in the GLACURH office, and I really don't have anything I can do towards my part of the conference until tomorrow, at which point I'm going to be rushing like noone else's business. But while I was here, I got some things cleared up for GLACURH, SRI, Hall Council, and I resorted my e-mail (some 700 messages, too). All in all while I wasn't doing much specifically towards why I'm here in the office, I'm glad to have done it nonetheless.

Marching band soon, I'm stoked. And then I get an hour for dinner before I go do the things that require me to be dedicated. It should be pretty incredible.

Oh, last night, I slept for 13 hours. I knew that the amount of work I've been putting in from Sunday would force me to crash somewhat, but not to that extent. Thankfully, I had nothing I needed to do last minute for school or anything, so I'm alright.

I'm going to get in touch with my old English 110 professor today, and have to tell him that I can't mentor for his class. I really want to, it'd be an excellent opportunity for me to do so, especially for applications to stuff, but I simply don't have the time for it. Unless he's really willing to work with me (and I know that'll be difficult, given he's overloaded his course schedule this year), there's nothing I can really do for him, unfortunately.

And... before I go, that is a gorgeous picture of Reno. I seriously need to find something awesome to put on the left hand side of that icon though, and I don't know what. Ideas are invited, and photoshop skills = automatic win.

And I've just started on it.

Here is the time I have to myself tomorrow, not including time I may spend doing homework:

12:00 - 1:00
8:00 - 9:00
10:00 - Sleep

And I've got to get up at about 8:00 on Tuesday, which means I'll be to bed by midnight, and not 3:00. Unless I want to try to function on four hours of sleep tonight and five tomorrow night. Heh, that's not going to work too well.

Sad part is, this is my schedule until the first weekend of November. And I volunteered for a vast majority of this.

I'm so glad I'm not in a bassoon ensemble this semester. Best choice I've made. Ever.

Oh, and I'm working out again, because I like cute guys and think they deserve the same before I consider saying or doing anything. But, mostly because I'm a coward. And a moron who doesn't know how to set up a schedule.

There goes my 8:00 to 9:00 block...

Nor was I expecting it to be for a desk shift. I was seriously thinking it was my mom being weird and calling me early as she tends to do, but that's quite alright.

Instead of doing my homework, I have procrastinated and found myself some new LJ icons. I'm considering changing the theme of the LJ altogether in respect to it, but the icons are so different in comparison to each other, I'm really not certain if I'll find anything that'll fit.

Linear Algebra looks cool, but I'm so very worried I'm going to end up falling behind on it. It is a 300-level math course, after all. The stuff I'm reading about is kind of neat, though.

I'm also trying to remove the excessive amounts of quotage in my convorsation. As awesome as quotes can be at times, enough is too much, and my roommate and I agreed that we need to cut it out. Should be interesting, especially since neither of us normally talk about strudel too often.

X is a function. Class attempts various systems to get a best-fit to function X based on the data points that are offered by the teacher. Based on the various fits used between students, a wide variety of conclusions are made concerning the function. Problem is, none of the models can truly recreate the function, as they are merely observations of an actual line.

That being said, I hope people relax a bit more. A few observations certainly do not constitute a full function, and the further conclusions are made from the data that is known, the less likly they are to make an accurate result.

Men are primarily logic and mathematically oriented, after all.

I called it this morning, today wasn't going to be a good day... Perhaps it was self-determined.

So many directions, so many places to go, and at the crossroads, I'm holding back tears, my brain reeling, trying to figure out where to go, what to do... Where I am, where I want to go, and how to get there...

Respect. Lack of respect. Responsibilities, control, leading, and following...

Being who I want to be, being the right thing... Are these two separate ideas? In order to get where I want to go, are there things I shouldn't do that will be nescessary of me anyhow? What is this straight and narrow path supposed to be, anyways? And, do people even care? Or should I care if they have interest? How much should one be willing to put on the line to find joy?

Why do I put so many limitations on myself... I choose to be caged. I seem to enjoy the concept of it, to letting some things just slide under the concept of impossiblity, even when it's clearly feasible. Why can't I break these mental barriers I make on myself? Why can't I become something greater?

What is noble nowadays, anyhow?

Tomorrow, I'll have fun. It will be a great day, and I will enjoy myself. But just for this moment, since I can let it all fall out... Just for tonight, I'm going to let my frustrations out.

I am undedicated, and not vigilent about taking care of the things that matter to me. What happened to that urge to exercise? I still don't have a working bike. I could take care of it, yes, but I hesitate to do so. I'm behind on my instrumental practicing, save perhaps the guitar. Things that I find important... Things that I envy others for, and want to be able to have myself, and I just don't put constant effort into them. I could be incredible, but I choose to be mediocre. Perhaps Pete was right, there...

My mother hurts me. She doesn't realize it -- I hold up a false frame for her, still playing her role for me as good Christian -- but it's still happening. My honesty would do precisely the same thing to her, and I can't possibly want her to feel the same sort of pain that I do, being in the situation I'm in... I can't ask her to change for me. I'm either in or out... And if I'm out, she's going to be heartbroken. But, isn't it wrong for me to feel hurt in order to keep her happy? I can't choose priority here, because I feel wrong doing so from my perspective, and I have no options to me due to that.

Get away, stay out of town when possible. The option is certainly there, and the more this summer progresses, the more I think that's the direction I'll ultimately take. But, at the same time, this requires financial security, of which I have none, especially if I stay out of town against my parents' wishes. I'll have to get a job as soon as I get to campus, and keep it up throughout the year... hopefully something that I can make a decent amount of money on, or do while studying, whatever the case may be. But, I'm not going to have it nearly as easy as others do, and I can't just expect that if they can do stuff, I can too. Brings us back to the dedication issue, I suppose... "Military streched too thin" my rear, I by myself am going to have to stretch beyond what I think myself capable of in order to get things done.

Friends change, and ignore me because they fear that I will not approve of their changes... I'm hurt, not by the changes, but the lack of faith that I'll still be there for them. I know people who have come from a ton of different ways of life. I can't say that I'm perfect in any means in this way, but I truly wish to make myself comfortable and available to people to talk about whatever is going on. I'm really not one to judge, because I know I have my own issues, and to be frank, I want my friends to be able to offer the same thing to me if I need it. I feel as though this gets ignored in the long run, and it shouldn't... But if it's too hard for you as a friend to tell me when you're changing and things are becoming different, are you really trusting our bond as one of a real friendship?

I think I've got most all of it out now... And I suddenly remember why I have a Livejournal again: Angst-ridden posts. As always, leave a comment - especially if you read through this, just so I can thank you for listening to the rant of an addled mind.

Instead, I just became very very busy. Description:

I got a 3.5 this semester. English (of all classes) saved my semester. However, I had a whole ton of paperwork for that class that kept me muy busy.

I played the bassoon. Learning new instruments takes time, man, and other stuff.

People came into my room and distracted me. Very very often. I love them for it though.

The trip to Dunkirk. Which basically means practicing.

Exhaustion caused my incredible amounts of laziness.

Other excuses for my absence:
Tim has an LJ (unconfirmed excuse)
laziness
People in contact with me knew what was happening, a public audience didn't seem nescessary.

So, there you are. I'm going to try to update this thing for a while, at the very least over the summer. After all, Kira's already going to slap me around for my absence, I'd better not give her the excuse to punish me further.

The real reason I've decided to do so is that someone brought it up. And he still has a journal he has access to, if he's willing. Yeah, I checked it, and boy, does it need updating.

What the heck, why not? Check these out for me, and be brutally honest.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=luckydan

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=luckydan

Fourty minutes. And here I am, waiting in CS170. Man, am I nervous. And excited.

I voted today. Chose the candidate that I thought would be able to best work Senate into something more awesome.

Talked with dylstyle some. I was invigorated by the convorsation. He and I need to hang out more often, but him not going into the DRC is problematic.

Bassoon lesson was alright.

I woke up.

Lady slept in my room. It was odd, but things are better now.

Building snowmen basically rocks... Except when people can't take good pictures of them.

I had a good weekend.

Meditation was surprisingly awesome. I'm going to miss a few awesome graduating people. I'd better keep in contact with them after they go.

Needed to do some upkeeping and needed some time to myself.

Today pretty much made me feel like an asshat. Correction, this week has made me feel pretty much like an asshat. There are some good times, don't get me wrong, but the average has definitely been on a bad level. Today just seemed to add to it.

I don't know - a lot of things are bugging me. I can't let them bug me, but they innately do. Apathy... Apathy... Relationships... I don't know. I really just don't know.

It bugs me terribly that people won't go and do things because they don't believe they'll have an impact. Or if they do, they don't get half as far as they should go. There's so much potential out there to move things in the right direction, to help solve these situations, and yet the more I look, the more I see people who just don't seem to give a damn. I can't claim that it's a specific minority group of people thinking this anymore, it's clearly a majority. And when a majority can whine about what's going on and then choose not take any action whatsoever... It's just plain wrong.

If I feel I need to be heard, I find a way to do it. I'll post on here if I think that other people should understand what's going on in my head. I'll send letters out to my representatives on issues (which reminds me to continue work on my project about nixing marriage as an institution altogether. It's some crazy left-wing nut job idea maybe, but I stick to it). There are so many excellent opportunities to make communities a better place, and fewer people who seem interested in doing something.

This is the most random thing on earth, but I would love to compile a list of organizations, and just have general statistics about them. A lot of the organizations that are listed by UW-Eau Claire are outdated, renamed, new, or gone, and I'd like to see what everyone is doing. Anywho.

But... This recognition is really frustrating me. And I know it's going to cause a lot of turmoil with my friends for the next while.

I guess what really scares me is at this moment, I don't care as much. I'm really starting to feel the need to ignore things... I'd much rather access this in non-damaging ways (Sorry Kirstyn once again), but I'm afraid it's going to do damage. And as much as I'm starting to get frustrated, I don't want to do damage, especially to the people who matter to me.

Which then begs, am I trying to redefine who matters to me? I can't. I really hope that I am not doing that. I don't know anymore, I just don't.

LuckyDan will be offline temporarily in order to troubleshoot. Thank you for your patience.

The title above is an incredibly awesome song that us Jazz IVers are playing. I'm finding IV to be very difficult, but at the same time all the much more rewarding. It's pretty neat.

Reverse chronological order: Before that, I went to the Presidential Debate for Student Senate. Very interesting, I liked the way that a lot of people answered. I'm not a fan of one of the pairs so far, but the other two are pretty much neck to neck right now; both come from a lot of great background in different areas that I'd like to see applied... I just hope that Student Senate isn't completely dumb to the concept of SRI doing stuff to help communicate events to UW-Eau Claire. They seemed to be, and all it really takes is a little talking on either's part to get something going on.

English was neat - A little unproductive, but it made me feel smart. I love being able to answer questions, it makes me feel as though I'm offering something beneficial to the class. Helping people like that is cool.

Woke up... Monday was pretty bad. Just note that my Bassoon lesson for this week is the same as the one I had last week. Yeah... *sweatdrops* It doesn't help that I was sick basically all week, and then went to WURHA.

WURHA was... interesting. I know that C and I will never really get along well due to our conflict of personalities, but I did learn a lot of positive things through the speaker and programming for the conference. I'm hoping to put a lot of these ideas into use, especially if I become an RA. Man, would that be cool. Let's hope that the interview I had on Monday sold me well enough to get the spot.

Yesterday pretty much sucked.

A lot of things happened... Perhaps it'd be best to start at the beginning.

Woke to finish my English reading and homework, because I felt so incredibly exhausted the night before... I've weathered the worst of this terrible cold now, I'm pretty sure, but two nights ago was the worst sleep I got all week. If it wasn't for the paperwork I finished up in class, I would have most likely nodded off in class.

Went to the DRC after class for lunch, only to find it incredibly busy... Felt awkward. I was invited to see Harry Potter with Chris and some others, which made up for it, but that ended up getting nixed due to to some other stuff later in the day. Understandable situation, but a downer nonetheless, more because I had to admit a lot of stuff to myself that I didn't particularly want to.

Went to Jazz Band, then to my room to recouperate in time for sectional. Ended up running late to it because jadedburnout and I got caught up in a line for dinner... Got to know my section a lot better, both musically and personally... Seemed as though things were moving to the better, right?

And then I was informed about a suicide that impacts a lot of people around me, including one of the saxists I was just playing with. So many terrible things in such a short time, and there's basically nothing I can do about most of it. The things I can change are so minimal, and though I wish I could help my friends... there's little I can really do.

It just hit the fan last night, and for the first time in a couple of years, I had a legitimate cry. It's really liberating sometimes to let things out that way, and I don't get this sort of output that often...

Sometimes I swear I'm a robot. Other times, I wish I was one.

So, under fear of death, I'm writing this up.

This week is going alright, surprisingly. My computer went back online, and it makes me oh-so-happy. I definitely believe that my computer has some strange cosmic connection to my roommate or something, because the first reboot after he left, it died, and on Monday, when he was back, it came back online. Weeeird.

WURHA 06 is this year, and it kicks so much butt - I can't wait for all of the cheers, wild people and hilarity, not to mention going to all of the programs and learning how to be a better leader - That will be wildly useful for being an RA.

Speaking of which, I've got a group interview on Thursday at 7:30. I'm wicked nervous about it, but in reality I know I shouldn't be. Doesn't help much though.

Just to reiterate, I'm going to be one of those weird people on LJ who tries to minimize drama if at all possible. I honestly think I can do it with this journal, so long as I keep everything public and be as excruciatingly honest as I am in real life. Which is to say, honest about my issues, but nice about everything else. 'Cause that's the way I work.

If this changes, expect me to distance myself from LJ for a good while.

My computer died.

The poker tournament was barely attended.

I feel very lonely.

And... penis.

That is all.

It seems that I can't find out how people are doing this nifty table thing, so I'm just going to update.

There's a poker tournament on Saturday. Boy, is there a poker tournament on Saturday. 2:30 is registration, $5 is the donation cost to Make-A-Wish, and prizes are to be had. Now, if only we recieve a good showing... I'm really nervous about that... I really hope it works out, otherwise I have a seriously failing tournament on my hands. Which would stink, especially since I don't think that without this tournament, we'll reach our goal.

Learning how to be Registration for a major conference is scary, but I think I'll get used to it and make it a really awesome experience. Working on forms and the like is really really fun.

There's a lot of English homework that I've procrastinated on. I thank a lot of the drama that's been going on in the room, but here I am LJing, so that really doesn't count. I'll get there in five minutes, I swear.

I'm doing a lot of thinking about relationships and whether or not I should even allow myself to be open to one... Not really getting anywhere with that. I'll tell you when I do, I promise.

And... Penis. Because I swear I hear that word in my room more often than I hear the word "the". Origami (Well, Owigawi) is also probably close up there, but whether or not it outbeats the is to be determined.

Ooh, and I may be selling my laptop to a friend of mine. We'll see how it goes, but for laptops, I'd probably sell this to him dirt cheap. I don't really need a laptop that often anyway, so long as I have a desktop with a working CD drive so I don't have to go and bring my laptop to play my music. Which, by the way, is by and large the most obtrusive, annoying way to do it. Not that I'm angry or anything. XD

Hope my RA application gets me in. If it does, I may just have the money for such an amenity. ^^;